Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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