Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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