I love black thongs
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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