When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
