shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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