the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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