So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
