We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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