looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
