Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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