u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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