I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
