So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
