Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize