Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
