I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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