Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
