when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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