I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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