mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
