i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Sacagawea was the original milf.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
