**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
