the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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