I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just had sex bonerless
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize