My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
