your parents love me but you hate me
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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