Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
