i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
