my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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