You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
