If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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