She said her name was "party"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
