i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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