hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize