I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
