she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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