On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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