I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
