I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
