Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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