woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
