Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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