I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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