I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
handjob tips. give me some.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
