why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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