Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
