plz talk dirty to me
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Houston, we have a squirter
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
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