ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
