My underwear smells like fireworks.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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