I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
