I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
