I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize