yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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