you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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