I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You can't special order awesome
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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