I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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