i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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