I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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