I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
