If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize