I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I think i got beer on your cat.
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