if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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