Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
