I heard we made out
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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