life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize