P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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